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barbyDana din Bacau
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25 ani
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KingBl
Membru nou
Inregistrat: acum 16 ani
Postari: 47
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"A tourist has been visiting Cuba for a week. He is leaving the next day and he still hasn't tried the food.
He goes to a restaurant and sits down to order and then sees what the man next to him has. It looks very tasty.
The waiter comes to take his order and the tourist tells him he wants what the other man beside him is having. The waiter says there is no more left.
The tourist then asks him what the meal is and the waiter replies that it is the testicles from the bull that lost the bullfight earlier that morning. He tells the tourist that if he comes back tomorrow he'll save this meal for him.
The tourist thinks, "What the heck, it'll be my last day here," so he comes back the next day and the waiter has his food prepared for him when he comes. The man eats the meal and thinks it is delicious. But he is confused about one thing. He calls the waiter over and asks him why his meal looked smaller than the meal the other man had the day before. The waiter replies, "Oh, sorry sir, sometimes the bull wins."
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KingBl
Membru nou
Inregistrat: acum 16 ani
Postari: 47
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Why do they call pms pms? (PMS= Premenstrual Syndrome)
Cause mad cow was already taken.
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KingBl
Membru nou
Inregistrat: acum 16 ani
Postari: 47
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"A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
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KingBl
Membru nou
Inregistrat: acum 16 ani
Postari: 47
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Sean had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night.
Mick, the bartender says, ?You?ll not be drinking anymore tonight Sean?.
Sean replies ?OK Mick, I?ll be on my way then.?
Sean spins around on his stool and steps off.
He falls flat on his face. ?Shite? he says and pulls himself up by the stool
and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and again falls flat on his face.
He then looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get
to the door and get some fresh air he?ll be fine. So he belly crawls to the
door and shimmies up the doorframe.
Sticking his head outside and taking a deep breath of fresh air, he feels
much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk.
Bang ! He falls flat on his face yet again . ?I?m fockin? focked,? he
says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, so he crawls down the road to
the door to the door, shimmies up the doorframe, opens the door and shimmies
inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says ?No fockin? way?.
He then decided to crawl up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ?I can
make it to the bed.?
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
?Fock it? he says in aspiration and falls asleep on the floor.
The next morning, his wife, Mary, comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says,
?Get up Sean. Did you have a bit to drink last night Lov?
?Sean says, ?I did Mary. I was fockin? pissed. But how?d you know
?Mick the bartender called. He said you left your wheelchair at the pub.?
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catta
Membru nou
Inregistrat: acum 16 ani
Postari: 39
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About shit
1. Taoism: Shit happens.
2. Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
3. Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
4. Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
5. Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
6. Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on
Saturday.
7. Creationism: God made all shit.
8. Unitarianism: Come! Let us reason together about
this shit.
9. Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
10. Darwinism: This shit was once food.
11. Capitalism: That's MY shit.
12. Communism: It's everybody's shit.
13. Commercialism: Let's package this shit.
14. Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.
15. Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?
16. Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
17. Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit
happening!
18. Atheism: What shit?
19. Nihilism: No shit!
20. Capitalism #2: When shit happens, it'll cost you!
21. Environmentalism: Shit happens, but it's
biodegradable.
22. Voodoo: Shit doesn't just happen : somebody dumped
it on you.
23.Kama sutra: Fuck this shit!
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catta
Membru nou
Inregistrat: acum 16 ani
Postari: 39
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Combat for Dummies
Advice and instructions taken from actual military sources. Some of
these guys must have had a sense of humor
"Aim towards the enemy."
--Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
--U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed to always hit the ground."
--USAF Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
--Infantry Journal
"A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpo....r in what's left of
your unit."
--Army's magazine of prevention maintenance
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
--U.S. Air Force manual
"Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo."
--Infantry Journal
"Tracers work both ways."
--U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
--Infantry Journal
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
--David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
--Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
--Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper....once."
--Anon
"Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do."
--Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
--Infantry Journal
"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
--USAF Ammo Troop
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catta
Membru nou
Inregistrat: acum 16 ani
Postari: 39
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The following is an actual question given on a
University of Washington
chemistry mid-term exam.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the
professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of
course, why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Here is the "Bonus Question" on the exam: Is Hell
exothermic (gives off
heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is
compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
changing in time. So we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell
and the rate at which
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume
that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving. As for how many
souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in
the world today. Most of these religions state that
if you are not a member
of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and
since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project
that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can
expect the number of souls in
Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look art the
rate of change of the
volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in
order for the temperature
and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the
rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell
breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until
Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa (a
girlfriend of mine
during my Freshman year) that, "it will be a cold
day in Hell before I sleep
with you, and take into account the fact that I
slept with her last night,
then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that
Hell is exothermic and
has already frozen over. The corollary of this
theory is that since Hell has
frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
more souls and is
therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby
proving the existence of a
divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa
kept shouting "Oh my
God."
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baloghzsolti
Membru
Inregistrat: acum 16 ani
Postari: 73
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IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a
6X8 desk cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behaviour.
IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors
for yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family on the phone.
IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.
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hasde5
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Inregistrat: acum 16 ani
Postari: 45
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